Here’s a letter I wrote to my oldest kiddo, “Deuce” today on his last day of preschool:

“Deuce”,

I just dropped you off for your last day of pre-school. I couldn’t help but cry as I watched you walk into your room for the last time. We took pictures together and then your dad and I took your little brother to his class. But afterwards, I came back and watched you play with your friends. Your teachers had provided balloons as an end of year treat, and you and your buddies swung them at each other as if they were bats. But then you saw me, stood still, and waved and smiled.  Your eyes looked at me as if to say, “I love you”, and then you went back to playing. I walked away and let the emotion and tears stream down my face as I sat in the pool of memories of your years leading up to this moment.

I’ll never forget when you were born and what joy your birth brought to your Daddy and me. Daddy yelled, “It’s a boy!” and Markus Timothy, Lloyd Jr. was about to turn our world upside down. We knew our family would never be the same.

I have some amazing memories of you.

I’ll never forget when you found your lost Lightening McQueen car under the couch and then popped up with it in your hand and joyfully said, “God answered my prayer Mommy!” I never even knew you had lost it.

I’ll never forget our sweet times before bedtime when I’d hug you tight and long and say, “I’m going to stay here forever and ever.” You still love this and ask me each night to “stay here forever and ever.”  And I do.

And yet, there have also been times I wished away the tough seasons.

I’ll never forget the sleepless nights during your newborn years and the 8 straight weeks of colic and endless crying. In the midst of those 2 months, I wanted to be out of that season as quickly as possible. But now, as we close a chapter of your life, all I want is to be in the middle of it again.

I’ll never forget your first year of preschool and how we battled your desire to bite all of your friends in an effort to communicate. I wondered if I’d ever laugh at that time, and now I do. And though it was difficult, I’d go back to that time, if that meant I’d have more years of you at home and not off to Kindergarten.

Though I want to have all of this time back, I’m reminded that God gave you to your Daddy and I as a gift and an opportunity to teach you about how much Jesus loves you and to show you how to love Him in return. This is the end game. Reversing the years, won’t move us forward in that goal. So I take the time now to pause, reflect, remember (and cry) over the years in your past. But I also look prayerfully forward, knowing that your Dad and I have a great job ahead of us. May we steward the remaining time well. May you be a Light during your school years that lie ahead of you. May God use your enthusiasm for life and for people to make His Name famous. And may He use your Dad and I to show you how.

I love you buddy.

Love,

Mommy